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“That’s Just the Way I Am”

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Take a moment and think of the most obnoxious person you know.

Have someone in mind? Now ask yourself my favorite question: Why? What makes this person obnoxious?

Here at FORTE, we highly value Authenticity. Much of our work revolves around teaching people to communicate their true selves, showing them that they are enough, and helping them turn up the volume on who they are and what they stand for. Many people shrink back from life, as if they need someone’s permission to live it to the fullest and realize their potential. We say, “You are bigger than you think.”

We must access our whole selves and be willing to communicate ourselves if we want “success” (however you define it). Yet that is only half the equation.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from the Hiders—those who are afraid to put themselves out there in a big way—we find the Pushers. 

Chances are the obnoxious person you thought of fits in this category. These people push themselves, their thoughts, their values, or even just their volume on others who don’t want it. Sometimes they are simply colossally unaware of how they come across. More likely, they know what they say or do is offensive, but gain a sense of power by forcing it on others.

Perhaps you’ve heard some of these favorite “Pusher” sayings:

  • That’s just the way I am.
  • I’m only being honest.
  • You’re too sensitive.

Both Hiding and Pushing come from a place of Fear: fear of inadequacy, fear of rejection, fear of failure. It’s easy to see the connection between Hiding and Fear. Yet Pushing often conceals deep insecurities, too. Only when we fear we aren’t enough do we try to steal power from others.

Both Pushing and Hiding are inauthentic. Pushing attempts to give an impression that is harsher than reality, and Hiding one that is weaker. And both, as you can imagine, are communicated nonverbally.

So what is the answer?

Confidence.

Confidence doesn’t Hide. Confidence doesn’t Push. Confidence claims space without encroaching on others or withdrawing from them. When we Hide or Push, we are off-balance; both physically and metaphorically, we can easily be knocked off our feet. When we stand with Confidence we are centered, grounded, and therefore, stable.

Sari at the Power of Presence seminar. Photo courtesy of Erika Plummer Photography.

 

Confidence says, “I am enough.” Confidence says, “I am safe and strong. I don’t need to hide from you.” Confidence says, “I am self-assured and powerful. I don’t need to take from you.”

Wonderfully, when you communicate that you are safe and powerful, others around you feel less need to Hide or to Push. By communicating Confidence, you inspire authenticity in others. And isn’t that the goal? Real communication, in real time, with real people.

 

*Ready to get real and communicate with Confidence? Call us at (503) 522-8038 to schedule a session with Rachel.

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The Power of Presence

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Putting on a seminar is a lot like planning a wedding. The flyers are like invitations. I bought a new dress. We had a catered reception. People flew in from all over the country.

The morning of the Power of Presence seminar I burst into tears in the shower, just like any “bride” might do, overwhelmed with what the day might bring. I was simultaneously nervous and excited: I quite literally could not wait to be present with the audience that had set aside two days to be present with me.

Over the next two days we explored the stories that get in the way of our being present. We named the critical voice in our head. We increased awareness of our nonverbal communication. We looked at body language and voice pattern and eye contact and breathing. We ended Day 2 with a study of group dynamics and charisma. It was an incredible two days.

I was struck by how this could not have happened had I not been present. Our presence invites others to be present. Had I not shown up in a real and authentic way, my audience wouldn’t have responded as they did. And yet showing up this way isn’t easy. It’s scary. We’re not sure if people will respond to us positively, if at all. Not to mention that the “audience” for a typical attorney is a hostile jury.

As I look back at our first Power of Presence seminar, I’m struck by how lucky I am to assist people in owning who they are and communicating it. Whether you’re a lawyer or executive, teacher or police officer, when you access the power of presence an entirely new world opens up for you. Suddenly you realize that everything you’ve been searching for has been in your grasp all along. You ARE enough. You only need to realize it.

Which is why I was so honored to watch as my audience rose to the challenge. After two days of exploring the three ingredients of presence: Authenticity, Awareness and Communication Skills, I said all that was left was a decision. And just like in a wedding, where you seal the deal with the words “I do,” I asked my audience if they agreed to own who they are and communicate their presence.

They answered with, “I do.”

 

I would like to thank this year’s participants of the Power of Presence. I’m forever changed after spending two days with you all. I look forward to future Power of Presence events!

 

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The Permission Principle: Why the Jury Gets to Decide What You Do Next

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I recently spoke to two hundred attorneys in Miami about trial communication. During the Q&A portion of my talk someone asked, “How close should you stand to the jury?” I answered, “Three and a half feet.”

The audience laughed.

“I have no idea,” I continued. “Every jury is different. Some juries want you to stay far away and others will let you sit in their lap. How close you get is determined by how much permission you have.”

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “permission?” I think back to childhood, when my parents decided what I could and couldn’t do. Now that I’m an adult, I don’t need to ask anyone for permission, but it still exists. Only now the permission is nonverbal. Continue reading: “The Permission Principle: Why the Jury Gets to Decide What You Do Next”

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Practicing Cartwheels

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When was the last time you did a cartwheel?

A year ago, my daughter tumbled sideways around my yard, calling out, “Look at me doing cartwheels!”

My brother, who was visiting, watched for a bit and then asked me, “Can you still do a cartwheel?”

I had no idea. It had been over a decade since I’d last tried. But I gave it a shot.

I was surprised to find I landed on my feet. I was also surprised to find Continue reading: “Practicing Cartwheels”

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The Gender Delusion

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In our first session a few weeks ago, I asked my client why she decided to get coaching. “I’m a female lawyer,” she said.

“And?” I asked.

“And, well, it’s really hard,” she replied.

She was telling herself a story, and boy is it ever a popular one.

I don’t mean to imply that women aren’t up against it. Women still face sexism in the workplace. Women make up less than 3% of the CEO’s of major corporations. And yes, women still make less than men. There is definitely work to be done. But when it comes to communication, gender is just another story we tell ourselves, and that story is undermining women in a big way.

Just this week I read an article by a friend of mine titled, “Top Seven Qualities of Women Leaders.” It was a good article. But I had to wonder, why are we talking about female leaders and male leaders as if they are two different things? Every “top quality” on the list applied to women and men.

I bet articles titled, “Top Seven Qualities of Black Leaders” or “What Asians Can Do to Get Ahead” or “Five Reasons Why Paraplegic Leaders Aren’t Taken Seriously” wouldn’t go over well. Most of us would be offended that black, Asian or paraplegic people were categorized separately from their white, able-bodied counterparts. And yet we have no problem differentiating between “female” and “male” leaders.

But aren’t men and women different? Not as much as you might think. Continue reading: “The Gender Delusion”

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