Posts Tagged ‘Body Language Experts’

Go Ahead. Read My Body Language.

– by

“So, tell me a little bit about your work.”

Most people hear this and launch into an elevator speech about the services they and their organizations provide. Here at FORTE, as Corey pointed out last week, that invitation usually prompts us to describe all the “services” we DON’T provide. We don’t teach you how to spot a liar. We don’t manipulate people or attempt to create “instant rapport.” We don’t gauge the suitability of a potential juror based on body odor.

(YES, some people do. Read the blog post. I’ll wait.)

We go overboard to make the point that you can’t figure out what people are thinking based on their nonverbal cues.

YET, we read nonverbals all the time. Continue reading: “Go Ahead. Read My Body Language.”

No Comments

Would the Real Dog Please Stand Up?

– by

It’s been almost three months since we adopted our new dog, Kettu. We found her at the Oregon Humane Society after telling ourselves we were stopping by “just to look.” As it turns out, one look at this cinnamon colored, shorthaired mini-pincher/Chihuahua mix was all it took.

You never know what you’re getting with a shelter dog. We had no idea what her history was except that she had come from California on the “Second Chance” program. So imagine our surprise and delight when we found we had somehow chosen THE PERFECT DOG. She never had accidents. She got off the bed when you told her to. She didn’t beg or bark or whine or chew. We bragged to our friends about our amazing new dog and congratulated ourselves on our find.

That is, until 2 weeks ago when I came home to find the remnants of last night’s dinner strewn about the living room. “It’s our fault,” I told Kevin, “we should have put the dishes away.” But then the next morning we came home from the gym to find a ”present” on the carpet, another one in the second bedroom, and paw prints on the kitchen counter. (Don’t ask. I have no idea how she got up there either.)

Continue reading: “Would the Real Dog Please Stand Up?”

No Comments

Pants on Fire

– by

X-ray vision. The ability to fly. Super-human strength. Identifying a liar.

Claim any of the first three and people will think you’re crazy. Claim the last one, and you’re a body-language expert.

Pamela Myer in her recent article How To Spot a Lie, claims that anyone can spot a liar, and that, “Detecting lies, or ‘lie-spotting,’ is an essential skill for everyone to acquire, both for personal and professional reasons.”

My question is, “why?” Why is it such an essential skill to be able to spot a liar? What, exactly, are we so afraid of?

Look, I get it. No one wants to be taken advantage of. And yet people lie for a variety of reasons, many of which don’t have a single thing to do with us. Not to mention that there is no guarantee that you can even spot a liar. Research has been pretty clear that there are no tell-tale signs of lying, and even Myer admits that most of the nonverbals associated with lying–shifty eyes, stuttering, blushing–have been discredited as such.

But my biggest problem with “lie-spotting” is that it takes us away from what communication is really supposed to be about: connection. You can follow Myer’s advice and carefully observe nonverbal behavior, but what if you determine –after your thorough examination–that the person is, in fact, telling the truth? You’ll have missed out on authentic connection with the person sitting right in front of you.

We’re all hard-wired from birth to understand and interpret nonverbal cues. The problem is, we often ignore our instincts out of politeness or because we don’t want to believe that someone would lie to us. If you’re really interested in increasing your awareness to dangerous situations I highly recommend Gavin de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear. But nonverbal communication, at least the way I use and train in it, is something we fine tune in an effort to communicate more authentically and effectively leading to greater connection, not less.

In other words, I support a balance between trusting our instincts and giving people the benefit of the doubt. What gets under my skin is the underlying message that everyone is out to trick you. This just simply isn’t true. Life is risky. We can’t protect ourselves from everything. But we can get lost in fear, which increases the separation between us and our fellow human beings.

Which, come to think of it, might just be the biggest danger of all.

5 Comments

Beware of Formulas

– by

Recently I picked up a book written by a “body language expert” who primarily works in the legal field. She talked about how she intently watches potential jurors, looking for tapping feet, clasping or unclasping of hands, crossed arms and the like. She even goes as far as to use her sense of smell: as jurors walk in she tries to pick up perfume or body odor.

Really?

I work with a lot of trial attorneys, and I can say, without hesitation, that of ALL of the things lawyers have to do and think about during trial, “smelling jurors” is not at the top of the list.

And yet, I get it. There is a deep seated need to put our hands on some sort of a “formula” that can, if not guarantee us results, at least predispose them in our favor.

The number one thing a trial attorney needs in court (or anyone looking to improve their communication, really) is the ability to adapt in the moment. And therein lies the problem: when we buy into a “formula” we stop being aware, and it all goes downhill.

It feels “safer” to believe that there’s only one way to conduct voir dire, opening statements or cross examination, but the truth of the matter is, (as Rick Friedman points out in his book On Becoming a Trial Lawyer) if you’re looking for safety, you’re in the wrong profession.

Increase your nonverbal intelligence and you’ll increase your success in the courtroom or anywhere else. Why nonverbal communication? Because it’s observable. If you want to get good at adapting to your circumstances, you have to be aware of what’s going on around you. To do that, you need to be able to observe something.

And no, it’s not random body language or body odor. (May I just register my creeped-outness here?) I’m not suggesting you watch other people’s body language and hallucinate (because that’s really what you’ll end up doing) about what they might be thinking or feeling. What I am suggesting is that you start to notice, as I mentioned in my last blog, how people are responding to what you’re doing, and adapt your communication based on that information.

What someone’s body odor communicates–outside of the fact that they might need to take a shower–is beyond me, but smell away, if you must.

On second thought, please don’t.

No Comments

Authentically Yours

– by

Recently I hired a local consulting firm to assist me with a website redesign. I’ve been doing a lot of courtroom work, and I wanted to add more courtroom content to our website. Over the course of several conversations it became clear that I not only needed a new website, but an entire new brand, and so the process began with the question, “Who are you?”

“Who am I?” I replied, incredulous. “Don’t make me stab you in the eye with this pen,” I said.

Seriously, though. Isn’t this a question we all struggle with our entire lives? Who the heck knows “who they are?” What does that even mean?

(For those of you hoping to never answer that question, I strongly advise you to avoid the rebrand process.)

I’m happy to report, however, that several weeks in, I’m much clearer. And I have yet to stab anyone. (Regarding rebranding at least.) I can now answer, when anyone asks what FORTE does, that: We help people communicate authentically. This, unfortunately, isn’t the typical message associated with nonverbal communication.

For example, a lot of “body language” stuff out there revolves around how to get other people to do what you want. Whether it’s “create instant rapport!” or ” learn how to detect lying!” or in the legal field, “identify dangerous jurors!” the claim is that by learning to read and use body language you can manipulate a situation or person to your advantage.

This is unequivocally a misuse of nonverbal communication. (And makes me get all stabby again. Someone take my pens away.) People can sniff out manipulation or inauthenticity a mile away. So not only is it an abuse, it’s a waste.

People respond to authenticity. Yet we often carry around stories about who we think we should be, or how we think we should act, and end up putting on some sort of “show.” These stories get communicated through our nonverbals, even if we aren’t aware of it. That’s why it’s pointless to coach someone how to communicate they’re the best person for the job, when they don’t actually believe they’re the best person for the job. Nonverbal “techniques” don’t make a bit of difference in an interview (or a courtroom, boardroom or classroom) if the message the person is trying to communicate isn’t authentic.

Nonverbal communication assists us in becoming more authentic in two ways: 1) It helps us identify the stories we inadvertently communicate nonverbally and, 2) once we align with our authentic message, assists us in communicating that message in the most clear way possible.

So who am I? I’m authentic. At least I strive to be on a daily basis. And I’m on a mission to assist others in being more authentic too. I invite you to join me.

 

4 Comments