Posts Tagged ‘Breathing’

The Gender Delusion

– by

In our first session a few weeks ago, I asked my client why she decided to get coaching. “I’m a female lawyer,” she said.

“And?” I asked.

“And, well, it’s really hard,” she replied.

She was telling herself a story, and boy is it ever a popular one.

I don’t mean to imply that women aren’t up against it. Women still face sexism in the workplace. Women make up less than 3% of the CEO’s of major corporations. And yes, women still make less than men. There is definitely work to be done. But when it comes to communication, gender is just another story we tell ourselves, and that story is undermining women in a big way.

Just this week I read an article by a friend of mine titled, “Top Seven Qualities of Women Leaders.” It was a good article. But I had to wonder, why are we talking about female leaders and male leaders as if they are two different things? Every “top quality” on the list applied to women and men.

I bet articles titled, “Top Seven Qualities of Black Leaders” or “What Asians Can Do to Get Ahead” or “Five Reasons Why Paraplegic Leaders Aren’t Taken Seriously” wouldn’t go over well. Most of us would be offended that black, Asian or paraplegic people were categorized separately from their white, able-bodied counterparts. And yet we have no problem differentiating between “female” and “male” leaders.

But aren’t men and women different? Not as much as you might think. Continue reading: “The Gender Delusion”

4 Comments

In My Opinion…

– by

Last week I worked with a group of high school girls on presentation skills. I introduced them to approachable and authoritative nonverbals and when to use each, we discussed how to gesture effectively, and we talked about why pausing is so important.

But when it came time to discuss the actual speech itself, I was struck by how every single girl in the room prefaced her statements with: “in my opinion.”

This is a serious problem folks.

“In my opinion,” or the closely related “I think,” or “I feel” is, at best, verbal filler. A presenter doesn’t need it, and it weakens most sentences.

But at its worst, it’s a dangerous nonverbal we often overlook. Particularly for young women.

Prefacing statements with “in my opinion” communicates, “This is just my opinion, so it probably doesn’t carry much weight, but if you’d be so kind to hear me out…”

Which means that somewhere along the line these high school girls learned that their voices didn’t matter, that they needed permission to speak, that they weren’t allowed to have an opinion without qualifying it first.

Perhaps boys have the same problem, but in my experience I hear way more “in my opinions” when working with my female clients than I ever do from my male clients.

If we ever hope to increase the amount of women in leadership (which is the focus of the group working with these high school girls) we’ve got to start from the inside out. Leadership is communicated. And our communication is a reflection of what’s going on inside.

Sometimes we’re not aware of our limiting beliefs until they show up nonverbally, like in this case. Which is why this work is so life changing: it illuminates our blind spots but also gives us tools to communicate in ways that expand our self-concept.

Which is exactly what happened once I disabused these girls of the notion that they needed to qualify their opinions. I asked them to state their content without any “announcing.” At first they struggled. “How do I start, then?” they asked. “Just say what you think!” I said.

As they stated their opinions without any introduction, they stood taller. They spoke with more authority. They made more eye contact. Suddenly they became believable, passionate, and powerful.

Word choice is nonverbal. How we think affects how we communicate nonverbally, but never forget that how we communicate nonverbally also affects how we think.

 

3 Comments

This Week’s Continuation of My Online Narrative

– by

Last week I stopped in Powell’s to pick up a couple of birthday cards, and came across the Corporate Flashcard Pack. “Speak suit in mere days!” the box promised.

I had to laugh. I’m constantly trying to convince people to un-learn corporate speak. (Or legalese or government lingo…) We think technical language makes us sound credible, when it almost always gets in the way.

Take a client I was working with recently. About one minute into her presentation I was completely lost. Phrases like “independent distribution channels” and “fundamental performance of the index” made me completely tune out.

I mean really. Can’t we just say client instead of “end user?”

If we’re truly interested in getting our message across in a way that’s informative, engaging, and memorable, we have to drop the “corporate speak.” Instead:

1. Use the simplest language you can get away with. Instead of “revenue stream” say “monthly payments.” Don’t say, “I am herewith returning the stipulation to dismiss in the above entitled matter; the same being duly executed by me,” when you could say, “I have signed and enclosed the stipulation to dismiss the Byrd case.”* Delivering a memorable presentation is like dropping bread crumbs along a path. Throw in a word or phrase that causes confusion and your listener is now lost in the woods.

2. Incorporate stories and analogies. We learn best through stories. Our brains are wired that way. Stories are engaging and easy to remember. The number one way to make dry, boring data relatable is to pepper stories and analogies throughout.

3. Rely on nonverbal communication to deliver your message powerfully. Increase your pausing. Use purposeful gesturing. Become an excellent breather. Play around with voice patterns. Nonverbal communication transmits the majority of any message. Use less technical language and more powerful nonverbals to get your message across.

knockknockstuff.com

Maybe there really are people who naturally use terms like “strategic initiative” and “core competency.” But I doubt it. Every single time I stop a client and ask them to explain what they just said so I can understand it, they say, “Well, what I’m really trying to say is…” and BOOM, it makes sense.

In other words, they’re able to reverbiagize, repurposing what was formerly a pain point, thus resulting in a paradigm shift.

;)

*Thanks to the The Trial Practice Tips Weblog for this example!

No Comments

Silence is Golden…?

– by

“Guess what, Mama!” my daughter called as she burst through the door. “GUESS WHAT we found in the backyard!!!!” She giggled and hopped and danced and spun, excited.

“What?” I asked. But she wouldn’t tell me. She beckoned me into the backyard, gleefully covering her mouth as if to say “You have to see for yourself!” And, of course, I followed. No matter how many times I asked what she’d found, she didn’t say a word.

At the age of 5, she has already learned the power of silence.

Continue reading: “Silence is Golden…?”

No Comments

Judgy McJudgerson

– by

When I was working for Sari, I always had to explain to potential clients that no, we didn’t do the standard “body language stuff.” And by “body language stuff” I meant that we didn’t teach you how to read other people. Yet that never sat right with me, because it is essential to understand and adapt to others, which, of course, means observing other people. This paradox was always difficult to explain. But I think I finally figured it out. So I made a huge mistake and told Sari, who then ordered me to write this blog. (Don’t kid yourself. You don’t have to be her employee for her to boss you around.)

As a hobbyist fiction writer, the best bit of advice I ever received was to get the judge out of my head so I could tell my story. Writers are notoriously hard on themselves, and yet creativity doesn’t happen until you let go of all the judgment. You’ve got to be able to look at your writing with a discerning eye, but not a judgmental one. I was reminded of this when my partner Allen and I were hanging out with my niece Danielle and her husband the other day, talking about how to deal with different types of people. I said, “The trick is to be a good judge of people without actually judging people.” And that’s when it hit me: Nonverbal intelligence isn’t about reading other people. It’s about labeling behavior without stereotyping the person. Continue reading: “Judgy McJudgerson”

No Comments