Posts Tagged ‘Delivering Bad News’

Does Eye Contact Improve Relationships?

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Next to “Have a firm handshake,” the most prevalent body language tip out there may be “Look people in the eye when you’re talking to them.” In Western culture, we dearly hold to the myth that making eye contact communicates respect.

But I bet you can remember times when you felt deeply disrespected by the way someone looked at you. Anyone ever leered at you? Glared? Sneered? They may have been making eye contact, but they certainly did not communicate respect.

Years ago, I read Dr. Ross Campbell’s book How to Really Love Your Child. One of the three ways that Dr. Campbell suggests we learn to communicate love to our children is through Positive Eye Contact. “It is easy for parents to develop the terrible habit of using eye contact primarily when they want to make a strong point to a child, especially a negative one,” Campbell states.

Eye contact doesn’t communicate respect. It communicates engagement. Continue reading: “Does Eye Contact Improve Relationships?”

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Smiling is Overrated

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One of the first times I watched video of myself presenting I was shocked to find I didn’t smile. At all. For the entire six hours.

I’m not sure why I was shocked, since, it appears that I’ve had a smiling problem for quite some time. (Yes, that’s me, down below.)

Just last year, a good friend and colleague called me out for my LinkedIn photo. “You look scary,” she said. And she’s probably right.

Here’s the thing: smiling is overrated.  Continue reading: “Smiling is Overrated”

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A Rant Against Email

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How many hours of your day do you spend reading and writing emails?

Too many, if you ask me.

Email has become THE communication tool of this generation (though rapidly being superseded by the text message). While it has advantages, it also provides plenty of pitfalls.

The most obvious one—remember, we’re talking about nonverbal communication here—is a lack of nonverbal cues. No voice pattern, no voice speed, no voice volume (um, no VOICE!), no body language, no breathing patterns, no gestures, no facial expressions (unless you employ emoticons!). You’ve got word choice and punctuation (exclamation points!!!!!)… and that’s about it. The chance for miscommunication skyrockets when you have to rely solely on words to get your message across.

Ask yourself these two questions before sending an important email:

1) Is email the right way to communicate with this person? Sometimes, the answer is yes. Visually-oriented people prefer written communication. Those who are more auditory or kinesthetic, however, need face-to-face interaction.

For example, my husband was having increasing difficulty with a coworker. Almost every communication between them resulted in a misunderstanding and tension steadily mounted. Finally, in the middle of an IM chat with the coworker, my husband got up and walked to her desk. Within a half hour they came to an agreement on something they had been discussing for weeks AND they had a chance to air out their relationship.

There are some people in your life (you know who they are!) who will always read an email the “wrong” way, yet are fine when you’re talking to them in person or on the phone. So, um, TALK to them already!

2) Is email the right way to communicate this message? If what you have to say is sensitive or emotionally charged, the answer is NO. I know, I know. I get it. It’s way easier to send an email than meet someone face-to-face when what you have to say is going to be difficult to hear. But it’s more important than ever to have the benefit of your terrific (because you’ve been working with us) nonverbal skills in those difficult moments than at any other time. You will reduce the chance of miscommunication and increase receptivity if you deliver those difficult messages in person with excellent nonverbal skills.

Do yourself a favor. Save time. Save hassle. Save face.

Skip the email to get your message across.

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The Language of MONEYBALL (or, Don’t Shoot the Asst General Manager)

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Corey here….Since starting to work with Sari and the FORTE gang, I see the power of nonverbal communication everywhere around me.  Some of you know how obsessive we can get about this.  And, I am always finding examples of nonverbal communication in film and television.  Last year, Sari went gaga for how communication is portrayed in THE KING’S SPEECH and now I cannot stop thinking about the communication lessons in MONEYBALL.

In case you haven’t seen the film, MONEYBALL is based on the book by Michael Lewis and chronicles the struggles and triumphs of the Oakland A’s during the 2002 baseball season.  General Manager Billy Bean is struggling to build a winning ball team with the lowest budget in the major leagues, and brings on a shy young economist as his assistant general manager.  And, he makes the radical decision to run the team by statistics over stars.

So, where does the nonverbal communication come in?  It is all about leadership.  Billy Bean is already a leader, but is he going anywhere?  He has a bold new message, but is anyone listening?  At first, no one is listening.  The team’s manager Art Howe resists Billy’s statistical approach, and the team flounders–badly.  Everything changes when Billy begins to speak the language of leadership.

Billy learns to lead from where he is, as we like to say at FORTE.  When Billy owns his vision and authentically communicates it to the team, the team starts to win. And, they don’t just win; they go on a winning streak unlike anything seen in the history of professional baseball.  He “out cats” manager Art Howe.  He becomes more approachable with the players in the locker room.  And, in the course of events, the Oakland A’s literally change the history of baseball.

And, what of Assistant General Manager Peter Brand, the shy young economist from Yale whose statistical methods fueled Billy Bean’s leadership?  Billy expects more than just statistics from Peter, and soon Billy is asking awkward young Peter to fire some veteran players.  If you have attended FORTE’s Don’t Shoot the Messenger workshop, the scenes where Peter has to let go a player will feel very familiar.  They could be videotaped sessions right out of the workshop.  Peter puts on his cat pants, uses a credible voice pattern, and even refers to a “third point” to carry the bad news.  Sure, he is a little nervous, but he pulls it off.

There are lessons about communication and leadership all around us.  Even in Brad Pitt movies.  Have you ever seen the FORTE philosophy in any movies or TV shows?

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The Art of Being Out of Control

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A few months ago I was driving to speak at an event I had titled “The Art of Being Out of Control.” As I sat waiting at a stoplight I reached into my purse and pulled out my MAC lipstick. I must have grabbed an old lipstick because I didn’t recognize the color right away. I turned the tube upside down to read the name:

High Strung.

This is funny if you know me even a little bit. Let’s just say that I am a “recovering” control freak. I had issues. Even my issues had issues.

I’m all better now, thank you for asking.

If we’re being honest though, I think we all have some control issues. Particularly around outcomes. My work is a great example: people often want to learn nonverbal “techniques” so they can get people to do what they want. In other words, they want a particular outcome.

What I’ve come to realize over the years is that the most effective communicators, leaders, etc, are people who switch from outcome-oriented thinking to option-oriented thinking. Instead of asking, “How do I get X to do Y?” they ask, “What are all the options here?” Nonverbal intelligence not only allows us to identify the various options available, it assists us in communicating effectively based on those options.

For example, if I need to fire someone, I can make up a story ahead of time about how I think they’ll react, how upset they’ll be, what a mess this is…. and boom! I walk into the meeting in fight or flight mode which my employee will naturally react to. If however, I focus on my breathing so that I remain calm, I can stay present to whatever happens. If my employee becomes angry, I can deal with it. But it might also be that they’re relieved, because they’d heard rumors, or perhaps they were dying to leave and are thrilled to be offered a severance package. The point is, I don’t know what will happen. But if I focus on one outcome–this person will become upset–I breathe high, cutting off oxygen to my brain and I lose all my resourcefulness. Instead, if I stay present and respond based on what is actually happening in the moment, I can better serve my employee, myself, and the needs of the situation.

Anyone can be “out of control.” The art of being out of control is letting go of our attachment to outcomes and instead opening ourselves up to possibility.

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