What’s the #1 ingredient for great sex? According to this article (as well as several others), it’s not lingerie, crazy positions, or sex toys. The #1 ingredient is being in the moment. (What a letdown.)
Simply clearing your mind, bringing your full attention to the present, and being 100% with your partner leads to more fulfilling and pleasurable sex for both of you.
Incredibly, this very simple tip will make almost everything you do in life more fulfilling and pleasurable, for both you and others—including the ordinary act of conversation. But as I frequently say when sharing nonverbal communication skills: Simple does not mean easy. We often equate the two, but simple means “unadorned and fundamental,” whereas easy means “causing little difficulty or discomfort.” If you’ve ever tried to be fully present while your mind jumps around like a hyperactive five-year-old amped up on sugar, you know that it may sound simple, but it sure isn’t easy.
Why is staying present SO hard? One reason is that we’re out of practice. We are constantly distracted, we crave mental stimulation, and even when silence is forced upon us, we fill it with our own mental chatter.
This is exactly what jacks up our conversations. When the other person is speaking—whether that’s a client, someone you just met at a networking event, your boss, or your neighbor—most of us spend that time analyzing what we’re hearing and preparing a response, rather than actually being present and attentive. Now certainly, if you suffer from social anxiety, it doesn’t hurt to have some talking points ready when you’re heading into social situations. But they won’t help if they’re out of context; for example, when someone asks you if you found the location okay, it doesn’t help to respond with a comment about the new game you have on your phone. It reminds me of that meme that’s been going around:
Do you want to fix all that social awkwardness? Be present.
In this age of automation and isolation, having another human being give you their time and attention is priceless. Your presence is an invaluable gift.
Even when the other person is annoying the crap out of you, be present! You learn, you grow, you are tested, you build those mindfulness muscles. By being present, you increase your permission with the other person, which means they will be more receptive to your [wise, mature, well-articulated, non-crappy] response once you give it. This makes change possible! For both you AND them.
If you’re heading into an interview, a networking event, a sales negotiation, or any other interaction with an important outcome, you owe it to yourself to let go of the inner chatter and just listen. You’ll come across as more confident, more thoughtful, and more likeable.
It takes practice, though. So you need to start being present with people TODAY in order to be prepared for that upcoming event or high-stakes conversation. It will improve your mood, your heath, and your conversations.
And… your sex life.
Change your communication, change your life.
I’m Rachel Beohm, coach and trainer at FORTE. Through nonverbal communication, I empower clients to show up as their biggest, boldest selves. If you haven’t done it yet, go sign up for our 21 Days to Rock Stardom. It’s a FREE 3-week email coaching program that I wrote to help you change your communication and your life.